Eye of the Beholder

My reality seems to be a lesson in perception these days. I thought that I would have had this concept down pat. I’ve taken psychology classes about perception; I’ve written stories from different perceptions; Heck, I even love to flip between maps and street view on Google. It seems pretty simple.

Having to learn about your own experiences through someone else’s perspectives though… well that has been taking some getting used to. No one can tell you what your thoughts were, what made you decide certain choices or how you felt about anything.

There have been quite a few instances where I think that they are completely making things up. I’ve had to ask if they are sure that it was ME who did something. Then I try to figure out under what circumstances I would’ve made those decisions and I ask even more questions. I can only imagine that it gets annoying for those who get most of them.

For instance, my mom was asking if I had picked up my marketing skills from a specific ex. I didn’t even remember that relationship (sorry if you’re reading this!) but I am aware that something must’ve caused me to learn a lot from podcasts and other online sources. Even though I am not sure what really got me started in it, I find it really interesting and a way to help support people around me with small businesses.

I try to be self-aware of how I navigate life now. There is a much bigger need for me not to sweat the small stuff. Because I don’t have the distinct memories of my past to act as warning signs, I think I might be slightly more reckless – only slightly though. I still navigate with general caution.

Gratitude is something that I am doing my best to be cognizant of. Taking the time to not only say thank you but to articulate how important someone’s efforts are to me is really important. Sometimes I get so caught up in trying to make sure people know that I am still a functioning capable person, but when i start to struggle it can get difficult quickly. Having those helpers in my life who I can rely on has been invaluable.

Because people come and go from your life, I have also felt a growing curiosity of the gaps that exist in my mind. Who were the people in my life at those points, what was their impact on me and me on them? Obviously I hope that it was positive but I am aware that if they are not in my life anymore there is likely a reason for that.

My thoughts can spiral within this realm: wondering how my identity might have changed or if I have forgotten important people. I try to write down important things especially about those that I won’t see again. My grandfathers for instance. I like to hear stories about them. Sounds like they were some funny guys. I make note of things about them when it makes me smile.

As I go back and read the updates that I’ve posted so far I often think “wow this sounds so sad!” but I don’t feel an overwhelming sadness. Maybe I have gotten used to this new reality, I am not really sure. Either way, I am glad that my outlook is relatively positive with a side dish or curiosity.

So here is my question for you… if you had a limit on memories you could keep, what would your priorities be? What are things that you’d be happy to let go of? I am curious and would love to hear your thoughts!

xo. K.

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